Pain and Phlegm

2004-06-29T01:36:00.000-04:00

Good Lord No

Tonight, I was at my girlfriends house, and her brother was watching "Fear Factor". Tonights episode...the little that I caught before being too repulsed to watch...had three teams, each consisting of one adult and one of their children.

Now, these children were by my estimation twelve years old each. A twelve year old can't really "volunteer" for something...their parents generally have final say over whether the child will get to do stuff or not, or whether they have to do something. Children, up until about 15 or 16 years old, are incapable of deciding things and fully weighing out the pros/cons of stuff.

The adults, in the event I watched, would stand back as their child was locked in a fiberglass box, with their head sticking out on top and their hands locked in a stocks-like appendage.

Then, live cockroaches...about a fifty-gallon bucket worth...were dumped in on the child.

The parent had to move enough roaches with their mouth to fill a box to a red-line level. Then, they would get a set of three keys to give to their child, one of which would unlock said child and release them from the roach box.

As I watched, in horror, the child in this particular case was complaining that he was being bitten periodically by a roach. The dad took big mouthfuls of live...gigantic...roaches, and put them in another bucket.

At this point, I was far too disgusted to continue watching. Leah and I left.

I don't know which is worse: that people will sell their dignity, or that the price is so low. The Fear Factor prize is a pissant little 50,000 dollars. I would never...ever...bathe in live cockroaches for 50 grand. At least, I like to think I wouldn't.

But I can safely say that even though I hate kids, I would NEVER put a child...much less my OWN child...in a tub of live insects for any amount of money. Ever. Period. It frightens me that anybody would do this to themselves, or their children, for any amount of money at all. I am sickened and thoroughly disgusted.

Comments? Leave one, or e-mail me directly at deepfnord@yahoo.com and I'll either ignore you or say something insightful. Or maybe just ramble on, like I usually do.

2004-06-25T13:09:00.000-04:00

It's baaaaaack...

WHO CARES is back, with a new attitude and a new look. Check it on out, folks. I'll try to be less than a year between updates this time.

2004-06-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

Today, I had an adventure: I actually left the sanctuary of my home for a while and went out into the great, wide world. I visited the local CVS-brand pharmacy chain store, which was air-conditioned and generically organized for my convenience. Additionally, while still advertising themselves as a pharmacy, CVS has added millions of useful everyday not-strictly-pharmacological items for my shopping and perusing experiences and pleasure. For example, in addition to my breathing meds (Albuterol and Intal {cromolyn sodium}, for those of you interested) I could pick up a new set of tires, about a trillion varieties of candy-flavored preservatives, greeting cards from the hallmark aisle, or writing implements. In addition, they sell by my estimation at least fifty varieties of condoms.

The reason I know this is partly my own fault. YOu see, I had my script called in about three weeks ago, and then I promptly forgot to go get it. I need these drugs, because if I don't have handy access to my Albuterol I'll theoretically shrivel up like a leech in a salt mine and then die a choking, gaspy death. My Intal...or Cromolyn Sodium, which is fun to say...is ust a pre-emptive drug to take before I exercise, should I ever get off my lazy ass and do so. HA HA HA! Oh, man, that's killer funny. I really should exercise, though...otherwise when I get older I'll turn into one of those fat lardasses that I so deride. Then I'll have a massive heart attack and die. Wheee!

In the "Excitement Plus!" section of this post, I should tell you all that I got my new Dell MP3 player today, with a 15-GB memory capacity. I don't think I yet have 15 gigs recorded on my PC...although I am rapidly approaching that particular landmark, by a rigorous process of ripping two to three CDs daily. I am, in fact, recording a Guster CD as we speak.

I'm a Gusterphile. Anybody who really enjoys their music can easily understand why.

So, I've been reading a lot of Robert Anton Wilson lately, and let me tell you it's like an LSD trip. Not that I've ever taken LSD, but I imagine that if I did, it would be a lot like reading RA Wilson. He forcibly shifts your perspective and makes you view the world as though you actually were a character in the book; you can feel your perspectives changing while you read. It's an enchaned reading experience, somehow. I don't know what exactly it is, but the mere act of reading his work has definitely made a major impact on me, for better or worse. Or, as he might argue, there's really no better or worse that you can define outside of a certain world-view.

At any rate, I'm going to go and pretend to be productive and do something. I may eat; I may bathe; but I probably won't be shaving, if anybody's keeping track.

2004-06-14T00:40:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I'm tewnty now. Huzzah! No longer must I be tied with the epithet "teenager". I can still be immature, but now that I'm "more adult" people will call it "sophistication".

HA HA HA HA! Wheeee!

So, thanks to all who made my birthday cool. My friends, and Leah, and my family. It was good. Thanks to all!

2004-06-12T03:25:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Ronald Reagan has recently died. Everybody seems very surprised and upset about this. But for chrissake, why? Let me explain some things to those sheeplike masses of you that were surprised and/or upset:

Regarding your surprise, he was ninety-something years old and he had Alzheimers disease. What the fuck did you expect, he was gonna live forever? People die, man...get over it. He was born, therefore at some point in time he's gonna die, just like you and me and everybody else.

In regards to the upsetness of people: Reagan was a dick of a president. Remember Osama Bin Laden? I see a few hands...good. Remember who put him in power? Oh! Right! REAGAN funded him and gave him weapons! Saddam Hussein? Remember that guy and his funny mustache? Who funded his war against the Iranians? Oh, right! REAGAN gave him tons of money and support and stuff! Shit, looks like all of our worst enemies were empowered by whom? REAGAN! That crazy old rich whiteboy!

Which reminds me, he also (to my knowledge) implemented "trickle-down" economics, which states that rich people shouldn't have to pay fair taxes because if they get to keep their money it'll eventually drift down into the economy. HA HA HA! yeah, right. Rich people are rich because they don't spend their money; if they do, it's not going to the economy at large.

Reagan also enabled Bush, Sr. to get into office, which enabled Bush Jr. to get into office. And there's no way that can be seen as a good thing; Bush is a horrible president. And it's interesting to me that he's spent his term cleaning up Reagans messes.

In short, my opinion is thusly: Reagan died. No surprises here, and furthermore, there's no mourning for him; he was an awfully bad president, and he fucked our country right up the ass. Maybe he was an okay person, on a one-to-one basis; I can't say one way or another about that. But I never knew him; I'm not gonna mourn. Bah to Reagan, and bah to the hordes of republican-colored sheep who mourn the loss of such a colossal asshole.

And wait! before anybody accuses me of being insensitive to old white guys with Alzheimers, let me tell you that my grandfather happens to be an old white guy with alzheimers. So I can say I know what it's like. It's horrible. But Reagan-wise, I don't give a shit. I figure it's just Karma coming to get him.

2004-05-30T04:01:00.000-04:00

From http://www.sss.gov:

"Notwithstanding recent stories in the news media and on the Internet, Selective Service is not getting ready to conduct a draft for the U.S. Armed Forces -- either with a special skills or regular draft. Rather, the Agency remains prepared to manage a draft if and when the President and the Congress so direct. This responsibility has been ongoing since 1980 and is nothing new. Further, both the President and the Secretary of Defense have stated on more than one occasion that there is no need for a draft for the War on Terrorism or any likely contingency, such as Iraq. Additionally, the Congress has not acted on any proposed legislation to reinstate a draft. Therefore, Selective Service continues to refine its plans to be prepared as is required by law, and to register young men who are ages 18 through 25."

This means trouble. When the government actively denies something, you can safely bet that there's something brewing.

2004-05-23T23:51:00.000-04:00

Incidentally, I haven't posted in some time, as you all may have noticed. Not out of spite or whatever, but mostly out of laziness and pathetitude.

I work a three-night stretch starting Monday night. Man, night shift pays good, but the hours can be a bit of an adjustment. Night people are cooler, though...and the whole place is more mellow. Life is better after the normal people are sleeping...indeed, I would venture to say that nighttime is better all-around.

Went to Linda's with Casey J. today. I still don't think there's a difference between Coke and Pepsi; both of them taste like carbonated crap to me. And whats with Sierra Mist? Why not just make a soda called "We Want To Be Mountain Dew"? Who the fuck do they think they're kidding?

No more. I go to play games with my cool self now.

2004-05-16T00:42:00.000-04:00

Thanks very much to eveyone who came to my graduationy thing today and were all about me. I appreciate the show of "Holy Shit, He Did It!" I would also like to thank all the people for their lovely gifts, and say that they will be greatly appreciated.

But somehow, I'm depressed. It's all over. Now I have to be a responsible adult again, even when I go back to college for a few classes and try to work for that Bachelors degree.

After the party, Aunt Marie and Memere and Leah and her parents and Zach, Chad, Kara, and Kacie came over and we partied hardy for a while until I kicked them out. Then, I got my messages from Christy, and Leah and I bopped over to her house (Yes, we bopped over. Shut up.) and hung out there. Then, Matt showed up, and Christy's cool friend Mike Something, and we chatted for a while. It was good clean fun.

I recieved mostly kitchenwares today, which is excellent; that's exactly what I was in need of to get started and stuff. I already have a towel set, too. All I need now is a house or apartment to put all my cool stuff in. And I may be able to rent out my Uncle Johns house, if everything comes together properly. That would be freakin' cool.

Anyway, I'm supposing I should be off. I'm going to go stay up too late and play mindless games, insuring that I sleep late tomorrow and don't hang my laundry out for far too long. Oh, well...

Stuff I got, because I need to brag about it:

A cast iron skillet
A pizza tray set and a book of pizza recipes
An inspirational book and wall hangy thing
Cards from everyone
A sculpture and a bowl from Leah, both awesome and hand-crafted by her
Comics from Matt, which are amazingly well done and really cool
A DVD player from Mom and Dad

...and much more cool stuff. I just needed to be materialistic and brag about it.

2004-05-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

I've been getting lots of e-mail from people who want to help me improve my life through the miracle of penis expansion lately. I get probably four or five messages a day telling me that "You must be small". This amuses me, for many reasons. I mean, do these people actually make any money? What kind of man is going to see an ad for the "Miraculous Penis Expander Spring" and think, "Wow! I can add eighteen inches to my manhood overnight!"

And furthermore, what kind of woman wants a man whose penis drags out from his pants legs and trails behind him? I mean, seriously, are people insecure enough to believe that their lover wants eighteen inches of cock?

I laugh at these ads. I am perfectly secure in regards to the size and proportions of my naughty bits. Just thought you all would like to know.

You know how some men drive real fancy cars to compensate? Well hey, baby, check out my '93 Tercel.

2004-05-02T16:22:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had to go to work. Work is usually alright; sometimes, it can be boring and stuff, but usually I enjoy it enough.

Last night was different. Matt and I were at the nursing station on the second floor, and he made some kind of sarcastic remark to one of the nurses. So, she pulled out a 10-cc syringe full of saline flush and sprayed him with it.

This was just the beginning. Initially, when Matt ran away, I stayed behind and laughed with the nurses. Then, I got up and went to the blood gas lab to find him. He was standing over the sink, with a 20cc syringe, filling it with water. He walked out to the nursing station, found the nurse, sprayed her, and ran away. She chased for a moment, and then laughed and went into the med room. Matt went and refilled his syringe, and then waited outside the med room. When she opened the door, hr sprayed her again and ran off in a fit of sadistic glee.

However, the nurse in question had some things we did not: a 60cc syringe, and a CNA and another RN on her side. She splashes Matt with the syringe, the CNA points an empty one at him, and he scuttles away. I, foolishly, went to the nursing station shaking my head and laughing. The second RN looks up, and says "Ben, we need to chat." I look up, puzzled, and she squirts hand cleanser onto my arm and says "You defected to Matt's side--this means war."

So, I run off and grab two 20cc syringes and fill them with water. Briefly, I had contemplated using a 3-liter "Super syringe" that we use to calibrate the PFT machines, but I decided against it.

I walk back to the station, find the first nurse, and smile evilly. She laughs, and from behind me, the CNA comes out with two 60cc syringes full of water and soaked me to the bone. My shirt was completely and utterly soaked in water. This scares the hell out of me, being an ambush and all, and so I missed with my 20's and had to run for cover.

This went on all night long; I got soaked, but I managed to get them back, too. It eventually escalated to the point that we (Matt and I) took two-liter bags of humidifier water and went hunting through the second floor for them; when they saw us, they ran like hell, man. It was excellent.

So, the bottom line is, I learned a few valuable lessons: night shift is much, much cooler than day shift. And also, next time I will be getting myself a few of those 60cc syringes for tactical usage.

2004-04-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

http://www.kbuxton.com/discordia/loopi.html

2004-04-19T14:38:00.000-04:00

Apparently, McDonalds CEO died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of sixty. Personally, I think that's hilarious and just, all at once. The CEO of a gigantic, amazingly evil firm like that which managed to make a salad fattier than a cheeseburger really kind of deserves to get what all of is clients inevitably will. I kind of wish other major CEOs would follow his footsteps and croak: I think that anybody who's willing to put the value of a dollar over the value of a human life needs, who furthermore is probably all "Oooh, sanctity of life", really needs to get whats coming. And if you think I'm unfairly generalizing, show me one CEO of a major company who really cares about people. Motherfuckers would skin and sell their own children to make a buck...

And also, our house almost caught fire yesterday. Apparently, the big freezer in the garage died, and almost caught fire. So, smelling smoke, my mom and dad called 911, and all of the local FD came screeching over with thier big shiny red trucks and pretty flashing lights and cool radios and stuff. It was really neat, except the whole "maybe our house is on fire" thing. Every little boy wants to be a fireman, sometimes....

From Prairie Home Companion:

Q: What will they do to Michael Jackson if they catch him with another little boy?
A: Give him his own Parish.

Q: What were the best three years of George Bush's life?
A: Fifth grade.

John Kerry walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?"

2004-04-18T15:13:00.000-04:00

So, I spent the weekend in Portsmouth NH with my family. It was a great deal of fun, but it had the unfortunate side effect of reminding me how much I really can't stand most other people my age. In fact, it's pretty safe to say that probably 80 out of 100 randomly selected people between 17 and 21 would be rated by me as "Despicable, at best." This point was driven home by all the asshole teenagers at the hotel, especially the ones who kept making loud noise and (apparently) having furniture dropping contests in the room next to mine.

The most frightening part was, around 11:30, the idea came to me that if I killed them all, then they probably would stop making noise after an initial bout of screaming and yelling in horror. Fortunately, I don't believe in violence, so I called the front desk and told them that they should make my neighbors shut up so I could sleep. I should have skipped that, called the local police, and told them that there was a group of terrorists in the room next to mine. That way, they'd probably be gone for the rest of the night to the secret interrogation rooms.

However, I shouldn't dwell on the negative. I did have a really good time in Portsmouth. There were some really cool coffee shop places, and some nifty stores and also many excellent sights to see.

Coffee shop owners, this is a PSA: If you have a staff mainly consisting of 18 to 25 year old girls, do not name an item on your menu "Grab your Buns", because then an unsuspecting patron like me gets the Death Glare.

Me: "I'd like the 'Grab your Buns', please."
Girl: (Look of Doom and general de-testification) "Excuse me?"
Me: "No! No! It's on the menu! Right there behind you! Please don't kill me!"

Just so ya know.

2004-04-03T11:31:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, I thought I could be productive on the internet today.

HA HA HA! HA! Ohh, me. What was I thinking?

All I've achieved so far, in another hour of precious life gone, is to read my mail and for some reason still unknown to me start a different internet thing.

Why? I am a sad, sad little man. Except the little part. And sad is really more relative; generally, although you might not know it, I'm pretty mellow. I think. Correct me if I'm wrong; I won't care.

2004-03-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

Conversation with Matt tonight.

Matt is a genius, and I am designating him my Hero until further notice.

2004-03-29T11:29:00.000-05:00

Still no original content.

2004-03-29T08:11:00.000-05:00

I had good fun the last couple of nights. Saturday night Zach and Leah came over and we all watched the movie which (since I am too unoriginal to come up with my own content) I have referenced later in this post, the Life of Brian. It's an excellent and probably fairly accurate portrayal of biblical times in Jerusalem. I highly recommend this movie to anybody, especially people who can't take a joke about religion.

And last night, I went out with Christy and Zach. We had a good dinner at the Hunan house, and then went back and did nothing productive for several hours. It was a great deal of fun, and I wish to do it again soon.

Time is coming soon to move out. I'm fairly excited about this; hopefully I can find something local that's not horrbly squalid and evil. We shall see.

And now, for some stolen content from the movie.

Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...
the music fades into the song

...always look on the bright side of life!
whistle

Always look on the bright side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... always look on the bright side of life...

whistle
Come on!

other start to join in
Always look on the bright side of life...
whistle

For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of sh*t,
When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life...
whistle
Always look on the bright side of life
whistle

(Stolen without a hint of permission from Monty Python's Life of Brian)

2004-03-26T17:10:00.000-05:00

Mother Mary come to me
For I am a wicked child
I have sinned and I am so confused
And I am a wicked child
I am a wicked child

I am the Devil's son
And I have tried to be good
I have walked the crooked mile
And I have tried to be good

If I could have kept on the straight and narrow
I'd not have broke your heart

Now I wake up in the night
He's tugging at my arms and legs
Like I was a marionette

Send Baby Jesus
To radiate this life
To radiate this life

No matter what the lyrics may or may not suggest to you, this is an excellent song. It's one of two that I found on a CD called "Go To Sleep" that was not released on Hail to the Thief. I can't quite figure it out...it seems that there's more to it than just the words would suggest.

I apologize for the constant references to the album, but it's really really good. Eventually I'll get over it, I'm sure.

Tonight, I go to Zachs or maybe Christy's. And we all shall see the play that Christy is in. Good luck, Christy! Yay!

2004-03-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

http://www.hail-to-the-thief.org/

2004-03-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

Continuing on the "Fuck Sports" path, the Pope has issued a statement saying that sports on Sundays are not good for Christians or anybody else. I don't know how to feel about this. I can almost guarantee that some people will stop being devoutly Catholic to go watch their stupid teams beat each other down. It makes me sad when people are blindly religious, but blind devotion to a team is almost as bad.

"Sure, I love Jesus. But really I love my football team more."

2004-03-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

Casey J. recently made a post which ended with something like "Fuck Sports".

I agree! Sports are a total and complete waste of time. Sure, sports are fun to play. And I like to watch retarded gargantuan steroid freaks get hurt on TV (c-span) as much as anyone else. But I want to clear this up: I watch football in the sincere hope that one of those motherfuckers takes a kneecap through the skull and dies in agony on the field.

I especially hate all the profoundly retarded, cocky shits who played on high school sports teams. And I hate the people who emphasized sports so much while caring so little about anything else. "Wow! Our English books are from 1970! Let's build the football team a new harem and buy them a new team lexus." I hope that all of the atheletes who played at my high school are pathetic dribbling failures by now. I especially want the football team to suffer; I hope they've all been forcibly castrated and made to eat their own testes. Without anesthesia.

This is funny, because normally I'm a non-violent person. Bitter, sure, but with a deeply buried streak of hope that maybe someday things will be okay. I owe the hope to my friends because if the world was full of people who were half as smart and good as them it would be a lot better off.

Thought I saw Angels, but I could have been wrong...

So. In conclusion, fuck sports and fuck the arrogant shits who play them. I hope you all get leprosy and your big, powerful muscles rot while your huge athlete dicks wither to nothing.

And to my friends, thanks for keeping me from feeling this bitter about all of humanity. I mean, I'm obviously somewhat bitter and lost, but not this badly about most of the world. And I owe my friends credit for helping to keep me sane-ish.

2004-03-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

I watched Bowling for Columbine with Leah and Molly and Zacq tonight over to Zacqs house. Christy would have come but apparently was feeling ill.

I would say that it confirms a lot of what I knew on some level or another: Americans are a crazy bunch of motherfuckers. And most of us don't even realize how crazy we are.

I had a lot of fun, though. I really enjoyed the movie. And I hadn't seen Molly in ages, so yay! for Molly-seeing. Zacq and I got to spend some good old-fashioned quality time together earlier in the day, and he thoroughly whooped my ass at Chess. I maintain that it was mainly for two reasons, one being that I was thinking poorly--poorly does not convey the extent of this, as Zacq himself would be happy to point out were he to be able to post to my blog- and the other being that my poor thought processes were being applied only halfway. You see, I was forgetting to think symmetrically. Oh well.

I suppose a third reason could be that he's better at Chess than me, and a fourth that he's a genius. But oh well. I'll try again, some day.

After we finished congregating, I went to Leah's house. It was snowing, though, so I didn't stay long. Tomorrow is her birthday. Happy birthday to Leah!

I should be going off to bed. It's far too early to be awake anymore. My bones are tired. Goodnight, all.

2004-03-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

Well, the last couple days have been interesting. I was scheduled to go to my clinical practice at Mercy hospital in Portland. However, based on my past experiences there, particularly with one of their more arrogant pricks of a therapist named Steve, I do not like Mercy.

However, yesterday I got out of Mercy based on the weather and the fact that I was vomiting up vital organs all day. Today, I am still slightly ill, but not as bad. Tomorrow, I fear, I must return to Mercy. Perhaps Steve will be dead or something- that really would make it more bearable and less horrific.

But no matter how bad Mercy might be...and you know, apart from Steve it's not too bad...I'll get to see Leah tomorrow or the next day. And seeing her always leaves me in a good mood. No matter what. For you see, despite my cynical and misanthropic nature, I'm madly in love with her. I just felt like sharing that with the whole world. So there! HA!

2004-03-16T20:09:00.000-05:00

Radiohead:

In pitch dark
I go walking in
Your landscape
Broken branches
Trip me as I speak
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck
Steer away from these rocks
We'd be a walking disaster
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there

There there

Why so green & lonely?
Heaven sent you to me

We are accidents
Waiting
Waiting to happen
We are accidents
Waiting
Waiting to happen

2004-03-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

I figured out what was wrong with blogger: The site feed settings were set to "short" and as such only the first 255 characters would be shown at any given time. I think I have fixed the problem that I was having. Thankfully.

Anyway. On to things. I'm wondering what other career paths are out there. Already, I can predict that after some time Respiratory will get boring, depressing and old. And I wonder what else I can do. There's really no other good jobs that are accessible to someone like me outside of healthcare. But hey...it'll all work out in the end.

Statistics show that something like forty percent of Americans are depressed. Well, I think that's wrong. I think forty percent are depressed, twenty percent are on too many chemical substances to know they are depressed, and the other forty are lying about it." ~Dr. M

2004-03-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

Of late, Blogger and my new PC seem to be having some disagreements. For example, Blogger has not published my last two posts, and my PC won't load the entire blog--only the most recent entry, or sometimes half of it.

I could blame Norton ("Norton Personal Firewall has detected a possible threat to your computer. Laser defense shield activated; Internet will be destroyed in ten seconds."), but I like it too much. It's funny how paranoid Norton can be about everything. I could blame Dell, but my new PC is working far too well to blame them. I've never had this much trouble with Blogger before. Therefore, the only thing to do is blame AOL and Microsoft.

Bush's dog got put to sleep lately, which is a shame because that drags the average IQ in the Bush family down to single digit numbers. Spot was also the least profoundly stupid member of the entire family. Poor spot; surrounded by idiots for his entire life.

2004-02-26T18:19:00.000-05:00

And now: Death.

She took my hand sweetly but with force, closing her warm fingers over my palm. She raised her head and looked me in the eyes. And she said to me, "There's nothing you can do for me. There's nothing anybody can do for me. I have cancer, and I am going to die." And she looked so old and fragile.

So ends the final chapter in this unfortunate womans life. For some reason, this particular experience shook me up more than most of the deaths I have witnessed. The others were somehow different.

Just had to share.

2004-02-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

I solved one of the worlds greatest mysteries this morning in the shower.

I was thinking about time travel as it relates to one of Newton's laws--"every action must have an equal and opposite reaction." And I figured that, were someone to travel to our time from either direction, they would have to send an equivalent mass of stuff back or forward through time to compensate.

So what, you ask me. Well, sir or madam, have you ever lost a sock in the laundry? You know there was a full pair when you put it in, but only one comes out. But I figured out where they go. Time travelers, instead of sending back a big chunk of mass to their own time, are instead sending back socks and other small items. Have you ever lost something and been unable to find it, until a week later it reappears exactly where you were looking? Time travelers again, man.

No thanks needed. Universal mysteries are solved here daily.

2004-02-21T14:32:00.000-05:00

I had a revelation at two o’clock Saturday morning. I was sitting in front of my new computer playing pinball so I could sleep enough during the day to stay up all night at work, and I realized that pinball is something of a metaphor for my life: I bounce around from one thought to the next with no real game plan or clear objective in mind except to not get sucked into the black abysmal pit of doom, periodically helped out by some entity moving the flippers.

And as in pinball, someday all of our lives will fall into the pit. But it’s okay. Ever notice how the little stainless steel ball always comes back, even if it does sometimes require a quarter? And how it’s basically the same after its trip into the abyss? Shit happens every now and again, but the little ball always comes back for more.

I think it’s kind of inspiring.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you're insane.
(Stolen from Despair.)

2004-02-21T01:37:00.000-05:00

Today was spent almost entirely in anticipation of receiving my new Dell in the mail. I was at Maine Med all day in SCU4, and after a while there's gradually less and less to do. So, for a great deal of the day I was really antsy...

And then I came home. I was expecting a package, because the "Sorry we Missed you" UPS slip from Thursday said they'd drop it off at 10:30 and my dad kindly volunteered to wait for it to come. Also, Leah was coming over and we were going to make some pizza and stuff. So I was all hyped up.

So I get home at 4:15 or so this afternoon, anticipating the goodness of a shiny new black Dell tower. And...no package.

I was, of course, disappointed. But to make a long story short because it's one-thirty AM, the UPS man arrived here at seven o'clock on...the...dot. The clokc said 6:59 and I was about to put on my disappointed face when I heard the downshifting of those big brown trucks.

So...I have my new computer!

I am very, very excited about this. I mean, this thing is eleven times better than my old computer in almost every aspect. I say "almost every" because some things are greater than eleven times better. For example, my new 15-inch flat panel monitor is loverly. I'm definitely in love with this thing. And it has Windows XP, which despite being Windows seems to be working fairly well (computer crashes here).

Tears of noy have been cried. Thank you, Leah, for putting up with my nerd-gasms tonight as I worshipped my funky new toy. And thanks to the UPS man for getting it here on time. I will always remember his words, as my family and I excitedly descended on him:

"Take the truck! Take the truck!"

2004-02-17T15:14:00.000-05:00

I have recently obtained a treasured new possesion that I wish to tell you about. I got me a brand new sinus infection.

Yes sir, over the last week or so, I've noticed a huge increase in my nasal mucus output. In fact, I would say that over the last few days, I've probably produced enough mucus to drown a draft horse. And the nose blowing-what fun! Especially at work, where the tissues feel like sandpaper on my nose.

In fact, this is beginning to get worse. I'm thinking it would be advisable to call out sick from clinical tomorrow, simply because I don't want to infect anybody at the hospital with whatever godawful thing I have.

On the other hand, we (my classmates and I) had a six-foot sub for lunch today. And you really can't beat that. And Leah and I are going to Pat's Pizza tonight (along with a boatload of tissues), so today has been and will continue to be filled with culinary delights.

My new Dell has shipped. It should be here in a few days...and I'm all orgasmic over that. The upgrade from a 233 to a 2.5 GIGAHERTZ processor will be...unbelievable. And the 32 megs transition to 128 megs of RAM will make me cry tears of joy.

Plus, 80 gig hard drive. (drools)

So I'm going to ghost my old PC with some sort of Norton product. I plan on picking it up today and totally ghosting my PC before the new one gets here. I don't want Eric (who is inheriting my current POS) to turn out to be some genius and find my credit cards and stuff. I must remember to make a boot disk and re-install windows, or else I shall be wrought wrath upon.

2004-02-16T17:32:00.000-05:00

"Everybody dies frustrated and sad, and that is beautiful."

~TMBG

2004-02-15T17:29:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a Dell.

2.5 Megahertz, 80 gig HDD, memory keys, CD-RW, 128MB shared DDRAMat 333 MHZ, 15-inch flat-panel monitor.

My current PC is a 233 MHZ, 7-gig HDD, 32 MB of RAM, and a clunky CRT monitor.

Helluva upgrade!

2004-02-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

Two Years! Two whole years!

My God. The time has flown by. I love you, Leah. You're the best.

2004-02-08T12:14:00.001-05:00

In response to a comment made by a guy named Kevin some time ago:

I'm enjoying the "Severe Tire Damage" CD from TMBG. It's got a rather excellent collection of live songs and some studio ones too. Yay!

2004-02-08T12:14:00.000-05:00

TWO YEARS!! TWO YEARS!! TWO YEARS!!!

I don't know where the time has gone. I love you, Leah. You're the best!

2004-02-04T18:50:00.000-05:00

In regards to Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake:

Who gives a shit?

I think it's funny that people are complaining about some skin on the tube and how it's bad for their children. Presumably, to see that, they were watching the super bowl. And what is the super bowl? It's a group of 300-pound hormone-addled egotistical millionaire slimeballs beating the living snot out of each other. Just like Congress!

So, let's analyze the "outraged public" statement:

"I am OUTRAGED because while my children and I were watching two solid hours of violence, poor sportsmanship, anger, and sporadic shots of psycho-obsessive fan freaks, they were accidentally exposed to a womans breast while I let them watch a song and dance about non-consensual sex."

Freaks.

2004-01-31T01:15:00.001-05:00

I got a little black book with my poems in
I got a bag, a toothbursh and a comb
When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone in
I got elastic bands keeping my shoes on
Got those swollen hand blues
I got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from

I've got electric light
And I've got second sight
I got amazing powers of observation
And that is how I know
When i try to get through
on the telephone to you
There'll be nobody home
~Pink Floyd

2004-01-31T01:15:00.000-05:00

I have spent the last two clinical days working nights at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Portland. All I can say is that it was both "educational" and "horrific". I felt like I was in some strange dream, wandering between the isolettes (incubators) and watching the poor sick babies. Some of them were only 23 and a half weeks old. It's heartbreaking.

Anyways.

Today, however, I dedicated to the much more noble cause of sleep. While sleeping, I had a dream. It was very strange. I had to clean all the used coffee mugs out of my room, and there were thousands of them everywhere. I was gently placing them all in big garbage bags, and the soundtrack-yes, soundtrack- was a cross between "Astronomy Domine" by Pink Floyd and "Your horoscope for Today" by Weird Al. And the thing was, it was really really good.

Leah and I will be celebrating two years together soon. February 8. Instead of buying each other gifts we'd probably not have gotten, we went out together and picked stuff and bought it for each other. That way, I don't get her something hideous. There's not a lot that she'd pick for me that I'd not like, but I picked out a beautiful soapstone chessboard with funky pieces from Mexicali Blues. She got jewelry. Thanks, my love.

Lately, I've been living the night side of the clock. Those two clinicals were nights, and I have to work tomorrow night too. Although I am beginning to feel a little bit sick right now. I hope that's not going to translate--muscle aches, sore throat. I really really hope I don't have the fly. I've been exposed, though, numerous times. Uggh.

Correction: make that "the flu", not "the fly".

I love college. But I miss the old gang of guys and gals. Oh well. I'll see them all soon enough.

Leave me a comment or send me mail or something. I'd love some communication with the outside world, but I'm far too lazy to initiate it.

2004-01-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

Props to Kacie for being on-line at all hours of the night. It's nice to have someone to talk to at one-thirty in the morning.

Bananas are dancing across my desk here at home. Wheee!

2004-01-28T00:46:00.000-05:00

Matt brings up a good point about my NICU rotation in the previous entry's comment box. Thank you, Matt, for reminding me that maybe it's not all completely futile and icky.

I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, like I'd eaten a squirrel. Mmmmm. Squirrel.

So, anyway, lately I've been having a sort of long and drawn-out existential crisis. One of those horrific "Who am I and Why am I here?" things. But if that wasn't bad enough, I've had the perspective to ask myself the ultimate question: who cares? So even if I do find out my reason for being (beyond the biological reasons) and manage to understand myself, who cares?

I suppose that I would care about that, and since nobody else can really prove to me that they exist outside of my head, that's good enough. So there.

Anyway, I seem to have had some sort of a point here. But now I've lost it. Damn damn damn!

Oh well. Something about not quite understanding or fitting in with humanity at large. On a one-by-one basis, people can be quite charming; as a whole, people are STUPID STUPID STUPID!

I guess I'm just trying to cope with life. We all do it. I'm just crisis-ing about it.

2004-01-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

2004-01-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

I am enjoying my brand-spanky new TMBG CD muchly. The live version of "Birdhouse in your soul" is particularly good. And the Nick Cave CD that Kacie got me into. Especially the fire song. Yay for burning!

I have some clinical this week that I am not looking forward to gladly. I have to go to the Neonatal unit at Maine Med. And the little babies are so...sad. I don't even like babies. But these poor little buggers are premature, and have so many illnesses...it's so sad. I don't like it. And I have to do 12-hour nights there. Bleeeech.

Maybe if I catch the Flu I won't have to go. Of course, then I'd be all sick. But whatever.

Today was a typical day. Got up. Ate a bowl of cereal (accidentally wrote "bowel of cereal" first, which would be an excellent band name) and some juice and coffee. Put the dog out. Went to school, had a class, and then ate some food there, a grilled cheese and some really crappy fries. Then more class. Then home, mail, dog, monopoly with the brother, some wierd stuff for dinner that resembled innards, and then dishes and phone and bed. And this.

And now that I have wasted your brain cells with that useless information: Bedtime. After some procrastination.

2004-01-24T00:33:00.000-05:00

I'm noticing a disturbing pattern in my life:

All I ever do is wake up, eat some stuff, do some other stuff, and then go back to sleep. Often for 10 to 12 hours, if I can.

This seems to suggest to me that there's at least 6 or 7 wasted hours of my day. I mean, ideally, I could sleep for like 18 hours at a time and then eat some stuff, maybe take a nice shower and a relaxing walk, and then go back to sleep. Some days, I could get up and do stuff; but by and large, why bother? Stuff, generally, requires some sort of effort and frankly I'd rather just wander around in the little world I've constructed in my own head.

Although, I suppose I could easily do stuff while still living in my own head. That sounds like quite a plan.

My goal here is to have more content and less....um...no-content. So I will summarize my day to you:

10:45 AM: Woke up due in part to a large explosion outside of my house. Yawned. Took a shower.
11:15 AM: Thought seriously about eating some breakfast. Instead, took the dog for a walk.
11:45 AM: One hour since awakening. More sleep required. Ate a bagel.
12:00 PM: Left house with goal of getting to LL Bean in Freeport. Vaguely remembered some sort of directions including route 136, or possibly a price tag or something.
7:00 PM: Returned home with new purchases and girlfriend. Evicted brother from "TV Room" and watched a movie.
10:30 PM: Came upstairs. Made some calls. Got online.
11:00-Present: Something involving the fecund loins of rum and monkey, located for you readers at the page linked to on your left.

I am noticing that today seems to have had rather a lot of time. Perhaps we could extend the day so I could sleep more. I've been sleeping lots lately. But it's okay; sleep is my friend. Mom thinks it's because I've been working night shifts and not sleeping enough during the week, when school's in; I suspect that she may be right. But night shift = good money, so I can live with that.

Leah and I visited a former textile mill in Lewiston today. The room we visited was probably 80 feet wide by 500 feet long or so, and it was filled wall-to-wall with books. Apparently, these guys have been collecting books for some time at yard sales and stuff, and are now selling them for 50 cents a pop. I left with an armload of great books; not neccesarily in great condition, but readable. I was quite happy. Books are fun.

Time for pretend-bed. Good day.

2004-01-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You can laugh at the silly superstitions of the religious, safe in the knowledge that we are only dust and lies. All that will be left of you after you die is a slow decay and some fading memories in the minds of your friends. Hope you're enjoying your life at the moment- there's nothing better to come.

2004-01-24T00:25:00.000-05:00

Take the Glendinning Test Today!

2004-01-24T00:20:00.000-05:00

Take the Affliction Test Today!

2004-01-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

A really romantic date to me would be sitting on a grassy hillside, with starry skies overhead, with my arm around somebody I love, watching as the world burned to the ground around us.

Why, you ask? Because: It's easier to love someone when you're outside in the real world, in the natural setting. It's easier to think it'll be forever when the stars are out. And when civilization is burning to the ground all around you, you know you won't have to worry about tomorrow.

What more could you ask for? Beautiful skies; beautiful love; and no reason to be worried about anything ever again. It's really the perfect scenario.

2004-01-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

Go Pie, Man!

Take the What Kind of Pie Are You? Quiz!

This quiz was made by KG

2004-01-22T23:43:00.000-05:00

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Classical Philosophy Selector, is Cynic

2004-01-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

Try this out. http://www.selectsmart.com/president/

My Results:

1. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%) Click here for info
2. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (87%) Click here for info
3. Kucinich, Rep. Dennis, OH - Democrat (83%) Click here for info
4. Socialist Candidate (82%) Click here for info
5. Sharpton, Reverend Al - Democrat (81%) Click here for info
6. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR - Democrat (80%) Click here for info
7. Edwards, Senator John, NC - Democrat (76%) Click here for info
8. Kerry, Senator John, MA - Democrat (73%) Click here for info
9. Lieberman, Senator Joe, CT - Democrat (46%) Click here for info
10. LaRouche, Lyndon H. Jr. - Democrat (39%) Click here for info
11. Libertarian Candidate (23%) Click here for info
12. Phillips, Howard - Constitution (8%) Click here for info
13. Bush, President George W. - Republican (5%) Click here for info

2004-01-03T12:28:00.000-05:00

Which Genocidal Maniac Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2004-01-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

First, let me thank many people who have been cool lately.

Thanks to my love Leah, who has been putting up with me and making life fun since almost two years ago.

Thanks to my friends, all back from college now, who have made this break one of the best ever. This includes in alphabetical order Casey, Chad, Christy (not back from college but oh well), Kacie (back from a prolonged absence also), Kara, Matt, Molly, Nick, and Zacq. If I've forgotten anybody...forgive me.

So, I was writing for Evilgrin when this little gem popped out:

Based on my own life experience, and also on my own brand of "reasoning", I have reached the conclusion that people who expect us to get married and pop out a couple of whining little maggots right away are simply regretful pricks who only want us to share the pain.

I will qualify this by saying this is not always the case, but it seems to be in a fair number of cases. I do, in fact, have a longer and more thought-out entry forthcoming, but it'll be a while.

2003-12-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

My parents need to take a fuckin' tranquilizer or something, because they're getting all freaky about nothing. Now, understand this: Our house looks like nobody lives here. It's practically spotless. Everything is clean and there's no clutter except for in my room and the "TV Room", or my brothers lair. Every week, I am supposed to do some minor things, like vacuum the house and clean the bathrooms, and on a daily basis I'm supposed to walk our goddamn dog and do the dishes and blah blah blah. In return for this I get to live here for free. Not too bad, really.

Except, of course, that they freak out if anything is a little bit off. Like if I don't do something exactly on time, they get all indignant and pissy and make me mad. And if I do anything spontaneous their blob-like brains explode everywhere, because they're anal-retentive kidney-stone-causing doom-making fuck-for-brains.

In short: I can't wait for May, the month of liberation, when I can finally start to really look at leaving this hellhole forever. It's not so bad, really...it's not like I'm abused or deprived...I'm just bitter and they suck and we don't live together well.

As Kacie said: "Cut the cord, dude." It's time.

2003-12-27T00:04:00.000-05:00

The following is a collection of the words to the music of Radiohead. I present them here with no permission but with a feeling that I should because they make me happy.

As it says, we are all accidents waiting to happen.

(The Boney King of Nowhere.)

In pitch dark
I go walking in
Your landscape
Broken branches
Trip me as I speak
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean its there
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck
Steer away from these rocks
We'd be a walking disaster
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there

There there

Why so green
& lonely?
Heaven sent you to me

We are accidents
Waiting
Waiting to happen
We are accidents
Waiting
Waiting to happen

One last bit of thievery:

(The Sky is Falling in.)

There's a gap in between
There's a gap where we meet
Where I end & you begin
And I'm sorry for us
The dinosaurs roam the earth
The sky turns green
Where I end & you begin
I am up in the clouds
I am up in the clouds
And I can't
& I can't come down
I can watch but
Not take part
Where I end & where you start
where you you left me alone
You left me alone.
X will the mark the place
Like parting the waves
Like a house falling
into the sea

I will eat you all alive

And there'll be no more lies

2003-12-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

I am, in fact, still alive and online. I have just been insanely busy lately, but that should change soon as vacation started today.

2003-12-15T21:43:00.000-05:00

On an unrelated note, today I read the newspaper. It talked about a girl who is 16 years old, whose mother left her family with no warning or reason and whose landlord burned their trailer down in disgust because it was too filthy to rent out anymore. She's alone, mentally scarred, mocked by other children, and stuck in a part of the state that's too poor to grow. I then turned the page and saw Bush's face leering out at me. I wanted to puke because of the injustice. A monkey-man gets born into riches and steals his living and becomes a millionaire and a president...and a regular girl gets shit on her whole life.

I'm just sayin'.

2003-12-15T11:25:00.000-05:00

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

If you read the backstory to this fellow, you'll all be vastly amused, especially by the hiring of men to jump out at me and yell "boo" in order to get me to bathe.

2003-12-03T19:31:00.000-05:00

It's been some time since I did anything here. Bottom line, I haven't really had the time.

Lately, my mood has been getting increasingly grim. I don't know why, but I seem to have lost some of my drive. I think it's a reflection of a generally worse mood overall of late.

On the other hand, I have nothing really to complain about apart from the shit-for-mood. School is going relatively well, except a quiz today that I think I probably tanked. Oh well. Walter drops the lowest one...thank gods. Leah and I are doing well. The job is going fairly well. Actually, the bank pissed me off the other day. Apparently they revoked my debit card because I overdrew. That's not so bad. Overdrawing is bad and some sort of reprimand is fine. But the revoked it for 90 days, and they don't know who did it so they can't get it undone. And I get the impression that the lady I talked to...not the teller, she was helpful, but the account lady...didn't give a shit. Oh well. Worse things could happen, I suppose.

I think the sudden drop in ambition school-wise is because I really don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. Do I really want to stay in healthcare? I don't know. I think that's mostly my recent spate of terrible clinicals and my employment at what is...I'm sorry...a second-rate, underbudgeted hospital. I'm grateful for the job, because frankly nobody else is hiring students, but the hospital is old and drafty and dark, and it has an air of death. It feels like somewhere that people go mainly to die. It's creepy.

I dunno. It'll all work out, eventually. I snagged an undergrad application for USM today, and I've been thinking about what program to go into. Something with no real-world applications like perhaps philosophy sounds fascinating. I'd really like to move into something more abstract. But then, perhaps not. I really have no idea.

And as I typed that last sentance, it dawned on me that that's the problem: I don't even know anymore what I want to do, and it's bugging the hell out of me. I've always had some vague idea of what I wanted to do, but suddenly my grasp on that has slipped like a man coated in vaseline walking through a room of banana peels.

I leave you with that analogy.

2003-11-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

"Most people gaze neither into the past nor the future; they explore neither truth nor lies. They gaze at the television."

Tom Yorke said that. Lead guy for Radiohead.

It makes so much sense.

2003-11-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

This looks interesting.

Off to the showers. My arm still has a massive patch of Iodine from the needle yesterday.

2003-11-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

I seem to have fluctuating ambition. It changes, day to day.

On my best days I want to go on to maybe even med school.
On the worst I want to graduate SMCC and be done forever.

On the whole, I want to take it easy. Maybe take a couple of core classes and see what I like. I want to take an investing course to learn how to manage my money, a skill which I lack. I know I will get a bachelors, in something, but then what? I could get my MBA and pursue an administrative career in respiratory. I could get my BS in bio and go to PA school. I could major in law (ha ha!). But what to do? So many choices!

It'll work out eventually, probably with me saying "meh" and doing whatever strikes my fancy at the moment of choice. That's usually how it works with me.

Discombobulation means bedtime.

2003-11-17T18:52:00.000-05:00

I gave blood today. It hurt, but it *John Mellencamp voice* hurt so good...

It wasn't so bad. This is donation #4 for me. The worst part is the finger-stick, where they put a couple drops of blood from your finger in some chemical to see if you can donate. Apparently it tests the iron levels in your blood. The needle proper is just a pinch, and then a pressure sort of feeling while your bag fills. Today, it was over in a matter of minutes. Fastest time yet...I was on the table for 15 minutes, and 10 of that was waiting for the guy to put the needle in. It was good.

So, now I'm tired and stuff. But it was worth it. And I got a free CD, plus lunch and a feeling of mellow goodness from having donated blood again. It's very pleasing to know that some small part of me will go to help someone else...and I'm O-negative. Universal donor.

I must go now, for I am tired and somehwat delerious. As usual.

2003-11-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

From Jim:

Jim: Opto-fucking-mistic?
Jim: You lying motherfucker.
Jim: Don't take the test if you're going to lie.
Deep Fnord: Hey, I'm an optimist. Just a cynical one.
Deep Fnord: I can be both!
Jim: ...
Jim: I'm going to hit you.
Jim: Filthy liar.
Deep Fnord: Can you spank me?
Jim: Like you wouldn't fucking believe.
Jim: *SPANK! SPANK! SPAAAAAANK!* Take it, bitch. Take it!
Jim: I demand you amend that post to point out what a filthy liar you are. :-)

Another:

ENTP - "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

2003-11-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

Forgot this.

Advanced Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	35%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%
Type 3	Ambition	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	28%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	32%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	31%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%
Type 8	Hostility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	35%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 9
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 9w1

Take Free Advanced Enneagram Personality Test

2003-11-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm wasting my time

These are cool.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

2003-11-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

I really hate my neonatology and pediatrics course. I have no desire to work with premature babies in my career as an RT. I'll leave that to the people who want to do it and the neonatologists.

I'm just sayin'.

2003-11-02T00:26:00.000-05:00

We're trapped, and there is nothing we can do
We're backdrifting...

(It's the devils way now
There is no way out
You can scream you can shout
There is no way out
Because you have not been
Paying attention)

2003-11-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I get this feeling of disconnect, like all the world's a dream and I'm only watching. I think it's because people do some blitheringly stupid fucking things sometimes. The feeling of disconnect is, I believe, a desire to not have to be a part of such a short-sighted collection of goobers.

Secretly, though, I like them. People make some stupid, stupid choices, but deep down inside I feel that maybe I can make a difference and help them.

The cynic in me is laughing so hard his imaginary gums are bleeding. Probably, people won't change and will continue to be morons and do dumb things.

But maybe...just maybe...I can make some sort of a difference. Maybe I can help just one person change their life for the better. Just one is all I ask. And then I'll be satisfied.

2003-10-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on in ages. Sorry. I'll post something more detailed later on, whenever I get around to it.

2003-10-05T22:05:00.000-04:00

This verifies everything I've ever said about Fox news.

2003-10-05T12:33:00.000-04:00

Lazy Sunday and the previous day's car trip

Car Trip

Yesterday, Leah and I went to the University of New England for an open house. I went to look at Medical Biology and the Pre-PA programs there, and she agreed to come along to keep me company, as she's not terribly interested in UNE as a school. Also, she kindly financed the trip for me, as I'm broke.

The trip down was uneventful, for the most part. The school itself was awesome. The medical people there really seem to know thier stuff and are enthusiastic to the max about teaching and having their students succeed.

However, the thing about UNE is that getting my undergrad bachelors from there (my associates, I remind you, will come from SMCC) would probably cost me a few thousand dollars more than going to USM. And realistically, the education would be about the same in quality. So for right now, it looks like USM will be the school of choice when I go back to finish a bachelors degree.

So after the car trip, we returned to Leah's abode, where we ate beef stew and relaxed. It was a good day, I have to say. Time spendage was good.

Lazy Sunday

Today, however, has just been boring. I need to do a load of laundry but the machines are in use by the parental units, I have homework tugging at my sleeves, and it's just...well...a sort of boring sunday, really. I told Linda that I'd see a movie with her sometime, but today looks to be out of the question for that sort of a thing. Too much to do and so little motivation to actually do it.

So I spent the morning today doing my weekly chores and trying to think of how I can get enough money to pay my insurance and other expenses for the month. Then I made some rather good cookies, had a brief lunch, and listened for the millionth time to my new Guster CD, which is amazingly excellent.

Forecast for Sunday Afternoon:
Homework, with possible scattered chores. Not enough time outdoors.

This evening:
Dinner, with possible irritation from the brother. Leah on the phone. Early to bed for a fun-filled day of school tomorrow.

Monday:
Too little sleep with a commute to make the morning, followed by a day of respiratory school. Should be good overall, with any luck and some good ol' apathy and cynicism to make the day brighter.

2003-10-03T00:18:00.000-04:00

The sleep lab was surreal. We sat in a control booth, and while we did in fact interact with the patients in person a lot, it was like a spy movie. We had them on video, plus their EEG and ECG and muscle graphs and everything. I loved it, though.

More when I'm less tired.

2003-10-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

jesus on the radio

5 am, march 16
jesus on the radio
you took a photograph of me
on your yellow bucket seat
it's too high it's too wide
you're so low you don't know
to get through to go around

so don't look back
there ain't nothing there to see
was once like you
can't say i recognize that face
in that picture that you keep

it's too high it's too wide
you're so low you don't know
to get through to go around
to get through to go around

I don't know if you can tell from the lyrics, but that's an amazing song. Guster played it unplugged when they graced Lewiston with their presence. Allow me to bang on about them for a moment.

*time passes*

Alrighty. Anyway. Tonight I have my clinical at the MMC Sleep Lab. That will be interesting, I hope. ANd tomorrow I have a day scheduled with Leah, which should also be good. We might go kayaking or something. It's supposed to be kind of nice, so we'll do something outdoors probably. Or indoors if it sucks out. It'll be fun either way.

Anyhow, I have to go. I'll post more sometime about stuff. Ish.

~Ben

The Jetdillo Project: 2000 pounds of steel, 20,000 pounds of thrust. One pair of very dark shades. The world's first fully cybernetic, SSTO-capable armadillo. Coming soon from Armadillo Labs. The Dasypian Future begins tommorrow... ~I don't know but I got it here.

2003-10-01T18:45:00.000-04:00

First: Guster.

I got to see Guster. They were amazing. They did an unplugged version of "Jesus on the Radio", which was too good for words. It left me with a warm, happy, glowy feeling inside. I don't feel warm and fuzzy a lot these days, but that was excellent. And the openers were great, too; Sam Roberts and the Secret Weapon. Great freakin' band. Followed by Guster. Amazement. Goodness. Glowy.

2003-09-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

Awesome cat picture:

http://www.screensavershot.com/animals/cats.jpg

Or, click here if you're too lazy to copy and paste.

2003-09-27T22:33:00.000-04:00

Scurvy:
Long time, no C

Not a lot happening of late. I did my clinicals at St. Marys and it was better than I expected. In fact, I may end up working there as a student. I recently had my clinicals at Mercy, which were also better than expected. I got to talk to UNE D.O. and P.A. students, so that was cool too.

Christy and Nick and Zacq and I all got together tonight. It was fun. We watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail and just hung out, too. It was good. And tomorrow we have Guster! Yippee!

I'll be writing a rant whenever I get the time or energy around here. Which may end up being...well...never, really. But I'll try for it sometime soon.

I'm off to read the Far Side and go to bed.

2003-09-23T14:07:00.000-04:00

School school school.

Visit a possible future school of Ben. Click over to the PA (physician assistant) program.

Off to study.

2003-09-17T21:56:00.000-04:00

Updates:

I forgot what I was going to put here.

Clinicals at Saint "Not much happ'nin" Mary's tomorrow. Woo. Yay. Hooray.

On the other hand, there's lots of Leah on schedule tomorrow after Clinical. It'll be a good end to a boring day. I'm looking forward to it. Leah, that is, not clinical.

Tired. So little sleep.

2003-09-14T00:26:00.000-04:00

Radiohead sez:

Are you such a dreamer?
To put the world to rights?
I'll stay home forever
Where two & two always
makes up five
I'll lay down the tracks
Sandbag & hide
January has April's showers
And two & two always
makes up five
IT'S THE DEVIL'S WAY NOW
THERE IS NO WAY OUT
YOU CAN SCREAM
& YOU CAN SHOUT
IT IS TOO LATE NOW
BECAUSE
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN
PAYING ATTENTION

I try to sing along
I get it all wrong
Eezeepeezeeeezeepeeezee
NOT
I swat em like flies but
Like flies the buggers
Keep coming back
NOT
Maybe not

All hail to the thief
But I'm not!
Don't question my
Authority or put me
In the dock
Cozimnot!
Go & tell the king that
The sky is falling in
When it's not
Maybe not.

(ahh diddums.)

Also:

Are you hungry?
Are you sick?
Are you begging for a break?
Are you sweet?
Are you fresh?
Are you strung up by the wrists?
(Fois-gras style)
We want the young blood.
Are you fracturing?
Are you torn at the seams?
Would you do anything?
Flea-bitten? Motheaten?
We suck young blood.
Won't let the creeping ivy
Won't let the nervous bury me
Our veins are thin
Our rivers poisoned
We want the sweet meats.
We want the young blood.
We suck young blood.
We want the young blood.

Not that I'm dangerously obsessed or anything.

2003-09-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

Today, we have a guest writer: Mister Casey Labrack. Because of these writings, Casey has been elevated to hero status.

Wisdom Teeth

As much as I hope I won't need it, I can be pretty sure of having my wisdom teeth removed. Almost everyone is given the operation automatically at my age, as we're assured by dentists that these furthest-back teeth will cause problems later. Most mouths, we're told, are too small to handle these teeth. Like there's something fundamentally wrong with the way mouths work all of a sudden. Like dentists hadn't invented the wisdom teeth problem.

When there was something fundamentally wrong with the way a prehistoric man's mouth worked, he died. He didn't pass on his genes, ensuring that others with misfunctioning mouths didn't propagate. This was the case until civilization begot dentistry. Since, if one had something fundamentally wrong with the way their mouth worked, it could be fixed with a long, tortuous operation. Thus the genes for these mouths were passed on, ensuring the future of the dentist's long, tortuous operations.

This is the story of any number of common physical defects, and the industries with which they coexist. It is the reason you need an inhaler to breath and you need glasses to see. It's why you can have these needs and still reproduce. It's viagra, the ultimate paradigm of 100 million years of civilization.

It's typical of our stupidity and arrogance to assume that we've beaten natural selection with civilization. But it's not that natural selection is breaking down because of society, it's just that society has it working in reverse. On this planet of six billion people, where 40,000 babies die everyday, the smartest of us are starting to realize that it's time to stop reproducing. Those with the intelligence and compassion not to subject another human being to the war, tyranny, and ecological collapse that looms over the next generation will choose not to have children--and those without it will continue replicating themselves. This marks the de-evolution of the human race. We haven't ganged up on nature and changed the rules, it's the stupidest of us that's calling the shots. The name of the game is now survival of the thoughtless.

Tale of Princess Joann

Once upon a time there was a beautified American princess named Joann. She knew that the royalty of her kingdom, the College Board, looked for diversity to continue its lines. Her problem, she knew, was that her skin was as white as snow. Thus Princess Joann was forced into a dark, primitive land. Her plan was for life in this exotic and mystical land of Africa to transform her into a queen in her own land and junior year she ventured out of her kingdom and into the dark beyond.
One day in her small village in Mauritania she was using the community�s huge, dank, foul outhouse and thinking about her squalid life among the poor, third-world Mauritanians. Damn, this�ll make a great application essay, she thought.
Then, as she reached across the small enclosure to grab a few pages of the missionary literature she and the natives had been using for toilet paper, she heard a small sound. She turned to see her cell phone fall out of her pocket and down the gaping hole in the wooden seat, to the cesspit below.
�Shit,� she rasped to herself.
The cell phone was new, a gift from her father, and she had just watched the small blue light of the screen shrink and disappear into the absolute darkness and filth. She almost resigned herself to its loss, but her resourcefulness was what would make her royalty in her kingdom. She took inventory. In her purse was a half empty bottle of no caffeine, low-aspertaine Pepsi; the extracts of a weed that one native had promised her would pass the days here faster; and 37 cents American of pocket change--a small fortune to these people, she thought. And thought.
Word spread quickly in the small town without walls when a reward was offered for the cell phone. A number of heroic natives came to the distress of the damsel. A few didn�t even hesitate when told where it actually was. The first man to step up was a tall, slight man, nameless to Princess Joann, followed by his friend.
As he began to climb into the hole in the ground the man was overcome with the stench. He grit his teeth and growled something in his native tongue.
�What was that?� Joann asked the friend, her hands on her hips.
The friend, who spoke little English, said, �He says, eh, �Be right back.� �
With a sickening splut the man was in the pit. As he sloshed around searching, he continued making outbursts in his language, as foul and ugly as his predicament. None of the other natives were quite at ease above, looking awkwardly to each other and then down into the dark muck but only sensing the man below through his steady cursing. Joann simply stood looking down intently where she judged her cell phone had landed.
Suddenly the swearing stopped and a subsequent silence fell upon the crowd gathered around the outhouse. A moment passed and the man�s friend volunteered to go after him. The leader of the small tribe was now openly worried about the situation as it seemed an entire man was now lost in the waste. Still, he lowered the man�s friend down himself, hoping to get them both back quickly and safely.
In a collective cringe the townsfolk heard a splosh that marked a second man�s decent into the muck, continuing the search. For about a minute all the people above could judge of the search was the sound of shifting shit. Finally, the man called to everyone above that he had found his friend, and that he would probably be ok if they got him out immediately.
Just then they heard a terrible wail from the man. The leader, concerned that the man was losing his sanity in the pit, and Joann, who was beginning to wonder if she was ever getting her cell phone back, edged closer to the outhouse. The leader extended a hand down the hole, saying that the man had spent too long in the cesspool and that he needed to get some fresh air before bringing anything up with him. The man consented immediately, and they locked hands somewhere in between the consuming muck and more comfortable world just above.
Pulling the native up was more difficult than either of them had anticipated and he lost his footing against the slick, scummy walls repeatedly. He began ranting even as he was being pulled up about a demon that chanted to him down in the shit. As Joann listened to the man yell about the demon in the pit, she thought she could hear it, too. And thinking about it, it sounded familiar to her.
�My cell phone! That�s my cell phone ringing!� she shouted still louder, recognizing the Godsmack theme as her preset ring tone.
The man, dazed and still only half of the way out of the pit, didn�t understand. Joann, knowing whoever it was would give up calling soon, kneeled in front of the man and desperately yelled at him that the demon�s voice was her cell phone, and that this was his only chance to recover it.
Though seemingly weakened and confused by the fumes, he mumbled something about coming right back and dropped into the muck again. In a short time he found the phone and, to the amazement of everyone above, answered it. As he was being hauled again back up to the surface, he extended the phone forward with his free hand, saying, �It�s for you.�
Joann giggled and reached out to take it. The gathered townsfolk all exhaled together, and for what seemed for each like the first time since it all began. A few thought about being heroic and volunteering themselves to be the one to help get the first native.
Then the man�s eyes rolled upwards and he succumbed suddenly to the fumes. Still gripping the cell phone, he dropped backwards into the darkness as the leader of the village and Joann cried out and reached after him.
The man hit the shit with splosh. And the most terrible silence yet fell on everyone around the town outhouse in a village in Mauritania. One by one everyone backed away from the scene, never making eye contact with another.
An hour later, Joann was the only one standing by the outhouse. Princess Joann, smeared with dark shit, stared into the muck and thought once more about her college application essay. It was clear, she decided, that no piece of writing should ever come of the black day.

_____________________

Let's all give props to Casey.

2003-09-09T16:08:00.000-04:00

I need a new job. My current one expires at the end of the month, and my attempts at St. Marys have been futile. CMMC seems to be possibly promising, but the beaureacracy moves so....slooooooow....

I might wind up calling Maine Med and seeing if they'll hire on a student. I don't like MMC as much as CMMC, but it'd be better than flipping burgers or making subs or something.

Studying. Bluuurgh. Not as much being done as should be...but I'll work on it later. For real. I'm much better at studying now than I ever have been, which is good if I want to continue education.

2003-09-08T23:02:00.000-04:00

Conclusive Proof of the Stupidity of Mankind:Part One!

So today I checked my e-mail. This is a fairly normal activity for me, something I do maybe three or four times a week. However, today was different. I thought I might have a real e-mail from someone I know, but instead...it was a chain letter.

Yes, I recieved one of the most stupid, inane things in the universe. A mysterious, magical e-mail that will kill me if I don't send it on. Gasp! Shock and Horror! If I don't perpetuate the sending of useless e-mails, I might get hit by a truck or something!

Here's the actual, unretouched text. If you don't want brain damage, simply scroll downwards until the italics end.

Whether you believe in the cases or not, that is up to you.

READ ALONE.....ESPECIALLY THE POEM

CASE 1:
Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David
Marsden, to propose to her.
Then one day when she was out to lunch David proposed! She
accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20
minutes. When she got to her office, she noticed on her
computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff
from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten
before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even
reading all of it. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a
phone call from the police. It was about DAVID! He had been in an
accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive.

CASE 2:
Take Katie Robinson . .
She received this poem and being the believer that she was, she
sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail
addresses to send out the full 10 that you must. Three days later,
Katie went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to
get into her car to go home, she was killed on the spot by a
hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3:
Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading
it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job
interview with a really big company, when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had on him for 2 years. Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married. Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem:

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach
out and tell someone what they mean
to you. Because when you decide that it is
the right time it might be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close
to your friends and family, for they have helped make
you the person that you are today.

You must (??) send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10
different people. If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good
luck in love. The person that you are most attracted to will soon
return your feelings. If you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly
head at you. THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

So. Apparently, if I don't send this to a bunch of people, Leah or I will die in a hideous accident. Possibly involving a drunk hit-and-run trucker, a rabid duck, and a bunch of grapes. Actually, with the amount of these things that I have simply deleted over the years, I should die in a plane that crashes into a highway and hits a big truck carrying napalm and radioactive waste, which then rolls into a rapidly rolling river and explodes in a ball of flames.

My favorite part here is how the "cases" are all obviously made up. How did the author of this letter hear about these cases? Were they a friend of these cases? Why would you send a friend something that you knew might kill them?

"Gee, I sure love my friends. I'll write them a letter, but if they don't send it to their other friends, then THEY MUST PAY! But parcel post is so pricey. I'll send an e-mail instead."

If you boil it down, there's two things about these that really get me.

One: People send them on. How does this work? "Hey! An e-mail from Gerald!" *reading* "My GOD! He says he loves me as a friend and we're always going to be pals, but if I don't continue to waste bandwidth and time all over the nation, I will die a horrific death! I must send it on!"

Is anyone that gullible? I suspect that on some level, people are.

"Hmm. Chain letter. Probably just a bunch of...wait...actual cases! People died! I better send it on just to be safe." *scrolling through address book* "Hmmm....who don't I like that much?"

Two: When they send them on, people NEVER delete all the previous addresses. So, if I don't immediately delete this pathetic waste of ones and zeros, and read through it, I have to scroll down....and down...and down...and finally, there's a fragment of the message that someone forgot to delete between the names...and then...the cream of the crap! The real thing! A genuine Chain Mail E-Mail that must be continuated!

It's funny to read all the stupid fucking e-mail addys in the list, though. "SeXXXeStarR345763@gurl.com", "SpyycEGurl445374@hotmail.com"...it's pathetic, really. Sure, my e-mail address is stupid, but at least it's original. When you have to have a number as high as some of these people do after their addy, it's stupid. Pick an original fucking name, you stupid pants-in-a-can wearing g-funk-fucking makeup-abusing butt-ugly hoes.

So seriously, what the fuck is up with that? Chain letters are bad enough...but chain e-mails are undoubtedly one of the most annoying forms of human stupidity.

Hey, thanks for listening, everyone, and if I offended you, then I extend an official invitation to write your own article. Thank you.

2003-09-06T23:38:00.000-04:00

Tonight, Leah came over. It was much fun-ness.

Linda asked me to write something for her site. Expect misanthropy. I'll post a copy here, whenever I get around to actually writing something.

2003-09-05T16:25:00.000-04:00

Mouse! Mouse!

2003-09-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

This is not a test.

2003-09-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

After a lengthy struggle, I have finally been able to access my blog. I say "finally" as though it's been years instead of hours since I was here, but hey.

Leah said she might be interested in joining up. Mayhaps there'll be some new postage soon from her perspective. I don't know how active she'll be, as she doesn't like the internet or computers, but we'll see. It'll be a new experience.

From The Scary Monkey Show:

The scary monkey show.

I'm making...TOAST!

Walking GIR as a dog.

2003-09-02T18:20:00.000-04:00

SMCC: Day One, Semester Three of Five

Well, today was an interesting day. SMCC, formerly SMTC, which is linked to on the left side of the page, has grown immensely. Apparently, according to Gary, our Mechanical Vent and Cardiovascualr assessment teacher and our clinical coordinator, the school has seen a 25% increase in enrollments. There are new parking lots, and every one is filled to the brim. Also, the incoming Respiratory Therapy class seems to have 20 students in it. Wow.

Normally, today would have been my day for Mechanical Ventilation lab. But since we haven't had any lectures and we're all oriented to the lab, we did a clinical report today, working out bugs in the schedules, giving report on our summer experiences, and having some of our new rotations explained to us. For example, I got to watch heart surgery at Maine Med, and I also get to spend a day with the Transport1 team, which is Maine Med's critical care ambulance. I might get to go to Boston or anywhere in the state. It promises to be exciting. My first rotation, which is next week, is going to be with LinCare in Falmouth, a home health company. I'm all excited. I also get to do a sleep lab rotation. Sleep Studies are rapidly becoming the domain of Respiratory Therapists, and being a polysomnography tech might be interesting. We shall see.

My books all cost me 280 dollars. For 4 books, a 30-page EKG manual, and a day planner. Dayum.

For those of you who care, my classes are Neonatology and Pediatrics, Cardiovascular Assessment, Mechanical Ventilation with lab, and Pathophysiology. All that plus two days a week of clinical.

Well, folks, that's all I can think of for now. Ta!

2003-09-01T21:30:00.000-04:00

Well, the HTML tweaks seem to have gone rather well. If anyone notices any errors or bugs or whatnot, e-mail me and I'll try to fix it.

2003-09-01T21:20:00.000-04:00

New Template
I have a brand new template for this blog, as my older one..well..sucked. I was planning on learning HTML and creating my own template, but then I kind of forgot about it. Just as well, really. My computer upgrade projects tend to end really badly, like when my 20-gig hard disk playfully formatted into a 7.5 gig hard disk. Whoopsie.

The downside to this is that I went about things in my usual "The Ben Way" manner and wound up deleting all my mods, my archives, my recent posts, my comments bar and hit counter, and everything else. I'll be tweaking my HTML for a while, though, and hopefully things will get back to normal pretty soon. Normal for me, anyway.